Complaints and Grievances

This article has been submitted by Rohan Mukherjee for the CLATGyan Blog Post Writing Competition. If you think this article is a good read, ‘Like’ this article on Facebook (the button is at the bottom of this piece) or post a comment using the ‘comments’ section below.

[Ed: This article is R rated for the use of unparliamentary language. Dear non-adults, please ask your mommies if you can read this article. Dear prudes, please go back to reading the dictionary or whatever else it is that you think is fun. Cheers.]

I am not much of a film critic, but as a viewer who appreciates and laps up innovation, creativity and the sheer guts it takes to tell a story, I have prepared a list of things on today’s Bollywood that to me are like an un-scratchable itch on my palm.

1. Kollywood-inspired remakes: This is one serious overdose. Honestly, when these started off, they were fine and enjoyable, and people seemed to love the B-grade acting by A-grade ‘superstars’. But isn’t there an end to this? How many over-the-top dialogues do we have to bear? How many wannabe Rajanikants do we have to endure? They even repeat the same South-Indian cast for these movies! I mean, yeah, Meri Jung – One Man Army was epic and so was Shivaji. But these were made DOWN THERE! I swear, if I see that prick, Salman Khan, or any of his brothers, or that other guy, Ajay ‘Devgn’ in another southie remake – strutting around in Aviators and wooing women from the South, while shooting the trigger of a gun that goes on to shoot the fat sweaty goon chasing them; I will karate chop my TV screen!

2. Young ‘rebels’: This is a trend that seems to be doing the rounds since Rang De Basanti. The youth of today, the light of tomorrow – to change the system you have to be the system – don’t follow the crowd – this country needs a makeover – stand up for your rights… These principles are lapped up by college going kids, and teenagers and other young adults, and even modern parents who want their children to get ‘inspired’ and do something big, something worth writing about –just anything. You know what? I dig them too. However what I don’t dig is that typical scene which screams out “Hey I am the generation-next, I am virtually social, physically virtual, I download my intellect and my faith in the system just crashed”. Yes, that scene where a bunch of young adults raise a toast to the India Gate riding around in an open air safari jeep in the middle of the night. Okay, you guys are the studs of today, but if you’re doing something that has been done over and over again, then how exactly, my love, is that being ‘fresh’?

3. New Age: I didn’t know what else to call this genre of films. You know, the live with your friends and die for them kind. The use of an excellent sense of fashion, bright colours, exotic food, the compulsary presence of a beach near-by, the drinking of beer sitting on an ivory white porch overlooking the sky blue ocean… And of course, the principle of “live your life to the fullest- because meri jaan, life is but one.” I love these movies – but, it’s like gay porn. A part of you wants to see how it’s done, and the other part refuses to look at the screen. Okay, maybe that’s just me.

4. Animated films/Superheroes: How many bitch slapping, chappal hurling criticisms will it take to make them realize that Bollywood can never produce a decent Superhero film? Drona, Krrish and Ra.One are what we have to offer to the world? Seriously? They use tons of money and get hold of techies from Japan, Singapore and the USA to create a HUGE film about a superhero whose main objective is to romance a chick and hey, maybe stick to some principles and beat-up bald baddies along the way. Maybe. Kids don’t deserve this. Re-air Ramayana, Mahabharata and all the other other mythological shows. The philosophies and principles there overshadow the scarce special effects. That’s the real deal.

5. Item numbers: Ah. Now we all love those cleavage-thrusting, curve-flaunting women with drunken men dancing around them, don’t we? Well, screw you. You speak of evolution? Well, show it then, let’s call the era of Munni, Sheila and Jalebi Bai to a stop. We all know that most men are barbaric rustic idiots who use their crotches while engaged in various decision making exercises, but to those of us who use our brains occasionally, this is getting boring. I don’t even stop at a new wet item number while surfing through channels anymore – and trust me, there’s being horny, and then there’s being me. People who know me will know that what I said there means something, coming from me. (No pun intended)

6. Mika Singh: Great man. Great voice. Techno-bhangra, yo. Belting out chart busters. Overdose. Period.

7. Rustic crap and machismo: You put a moustache on a dark guy and make him pull up the sleeves of his black kurta and flex his biceps and settle his Aviators and you have yourself a new age village hero. He has chelas all around him and a desi girl that doesn’t give him too much bhaav. He holds pujas and beats up baddies, usually cops gone bad. So yeah. Another one of this rustic machismo nonsense films and I will shave my legs and start wearing pink.

8. Arm spreading chocolate boys: Shah Rukh started this and girls seem to dig it. But let it end with him, damn it! You see Shahid Kapoor overdoing this over and over and over again. Puke on my Woodlands. And Shahid Kapoor. He’s one retard who just HAS to dance like his life depends on the energy he puts in to it. And look the same all through out his career. Hair blowing in the wind, arms spreading like he’s got needles stuck to his armpits, flashing retarded dimples and just feeling beautiful. Go eat meat, you pussy.

9. Re–Makes: Re-makes are fun and all because they have current superstars, a plot that reflects the present times and a story that has been told 30 years back. No doubt some of them do great. But what bugs me a bit is the fact that you’re copy-catting, man! Are you telling me that you are out of good stories to tell or killer novels and biographies to get inspired from, that you have to spend so much capital into telling an already told story in a ‘different style’. Oh c’mon. Who are you kidding? Stop being a sissy and start writing some good shit instead.

10.   Celeb Relatives: No doubt we got Hrithik Roshan and Abhishek Bachchan through this method, and some other great finds. (Though Hrithik needs to stop dancing like he’s got tape worms in his bowels, and Abhishek needs to move more than just his fists) But all these other losers who are either celeb siblings, children or dates get chances to act in movies which people won’t even like – Why not try a different career where you might ACTUALLY be good at? Is acting, like, the last resort to get chicks, blow cash and get paid to look good? Well, maybe. But you are just related, not a clone. And you suck.

Here I end my very frustrated list. Happy Holidays! 😀