Despicable Days

This article has been submitted by Samyak Sibasish for the CLATGyan Blog Post Writing Competition. If you think this article is a good read, ‘Like’ this article on Facebook (the button is at the bottom of this piece) or post a comment using the ‘comments’ section below.

It’s yet again. Proof that I’m totally unreliable for myself.

Now when I’m just a few days away from setting forth on the long-awaited journey of my career, I realize that I am not yet ready for it. I’m not yet done with the most important things of life, to be able to start my journey with an uncluttered mind.

My roughly written tribute to Rahul Dravid is still waiting on my laptop, languishing woefully, owing to my desperate attempt to finish it off before I leave. The article on Sachin and his 100th ton that I want to finish before going on the trip, is stuck at the beginning. Plus, I had planned on writing about the implications of his nomination to the Rajya Sabha and the pros and cons of the IPL. (Yes, you guessed it right. I am a die-hard cricket fan! ) Everything’s either unfinished or yet to start.

The worst thing about being me these days is that exaggeration doesn’t seem wrong. I have become so much addicted to exaggeration nowadays that I have exaggerated things to myself. Things like I’ll be able tell this to this person or that to that one, in time, without being much sure about it either. Things that waste my time the most. (no, it’s not Facebook. It’s wondering about what I should do to prove people wrong, to remove their misconceptions about me or rather my ability, and how?) The frequency at which I’m getting weird ideas now-a-days is alarming. Almost every day I get around two or three new ideas about how to go about proving things to people in life and what happens afterwards is really terrible. I waste four to five hours working out around the idea, getting excited and nervous about it all the while. And when I finish, I think I will do something about this before the end of this week at least, or plan out my way of retaliating and all. But then, all the ideas and plans go kaboom and I end up feeling frustrated. The ‘rebel’ in me has not yet died out, it is rather bubbling with energy to come out in its real force and I think, more than just a weird person about to end my teens, I am eager to become a ‘rebel’. A rebel who is out to prove something about his abilities to people. But not too soon. Sometimes, in fact, many a times, this very thought freaks me out. But why? Why exactly?

Decisions need to be taken practically, and as far as I think, cracking AILET and taming CLAT was on the priority list a few weeks back, followed by one month of travel and fun and then possibly, to start a new life, in whichever law school I get. But now that all of that is done and I have given my best shot at those exams, I keep on wondering on what exactly I need or want in life. What exactly should I do to remove all the dirty stains of the past one year? The past one year, where I have been ridiculed by one and many, for not being able to able to qualify for the “grandmother of all engineering entrances”, IITJEE. The past one year, where people who were once dear to me have said stereotypical things like, “Tu okilati padhibu? Micchha ta tate kahibaku padiba tahale!” , which translated into English, roughly means, “So, are you planning to go for Law? You have to learn to lie, then!” (That was in Odia. :P) The very same past year, where my distant relatives have likened me with that failed and drug-addicted college drop-out neighbour of theirs. Yes, the very same year when people have asked me to take up B.Ed courses in some stupid colleges in the vicinity of their place, where they wouldn’t even remotely dream of enrolling their sons or daughters. Why? All this because I just failed to get into any of the IITs?

Who are my friends? Who should I trust? The ones who are now placed in one engineering college or the other, and look down upon me as the batch mate who didn’t have the guts to drop a year and re-take the JEE and rather preferred the ‘easier’ route out, CLAT? Friends who made me feel like a loner, this entire year? Friends who never bothered to interact with me, after getting into some crappy regional engineering college?

And then I stop thinking abruptly, and play with my apparently wonderful interests and experiment with all the ideas to prove them wrong, that are circling my head.

Regarding the journey, I so desperately wish to complete my ‘by now a yearlong’ self-introspection, before beginning it, so that I can have a journey with an uncluttered mind. But alas, things always get screwed up, when I’m not disciplined. As far as my calculations are concerned, I think, I would be able to finish that within a week from now. But then, I have always messed up with my calculations. I know that it will take more than just a week to banish all these FML thoughts from my mind. People who stand by me these days, tell me that I don’t need to ‘prove anything to anyone’. I think that is all bullcrap. Sometimes, you need to show people who once meant the world to you, that you are not as big a piece of shit as they think you are. But sometimes again, I do think, do I really have to prove something to my so-called ‘detractors’, like really?

Anyway, I hope after writing this note and partially giving vent to the thoughts that have been haunting me for a good while now, I can garner the necessary courage and guts I need to face some things (or rather, some persons ) in life and set them alright.

Amen.