Where I Fit In, by Virali Nagda

This article has been submitted by Virali Nagda for the CLATGyan Blog Post Writing Competition. If you think this article is a good read, ‘Like’ this article on Facebook (the button is at the bottom of this piece) or post a comment using the ‘comments’ section below.

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It’s midnight. Three days after I took the law entrance, three days after the entire two month (post XII boards) ordeal is finally over. I don’t know if I’m satisfied with my performance or not, and, for once, I’m fine with not knowing. Because let’s face it, my work here is done.

As I enter into this lull of 20 days between the test day and the day of the result, I can’t help but let out the smidgen of dreamer in me and revisit the fantasy of law school life I’ve so often imagined. And I’m almost certain, so have a lot of others like me. Having discussed it more number of times with my fellow law aspirant than the number of times Lady Gaga has sung “Paparazzi”, I recently realized that all these fantasies revolve around one big, scary idea – The idea of acceptance out there. We all want it, we all want to fit in, we all need to be “in” the picture in our little comfortable nook or the glaring seat at the center, but, we expect and hope for partial if not unconditional acceptance from those around us, from those we learn to care about and also from those who may not care if we accept them or no, but whose little nods of ratified existence still matter to us. And it’s perfectly fine to want it.

None of us are like any other. We’re all crazy in our own way, with our own folks and we’ve all got some ridiculous song we still need to sing before we go to sleep, or some hillbilly dance to do when we’re over the moon or some super character to obsess about or even some weird nightmare we’re paranoid will come true. And when we look into the mirror and see ourselves as the reflections of the kind of the culture we’ve been brought up in, the type of friends we hung out with or the sort of clothes we’re comfortable in, we wonder if it’ll be OK for us to have all of these carried on in our new life at law school, will it be sure not to drive away anyone or term us as an outcast for the next five years( or counting a year from now) or would it be wise enough to start practicing a way to leave behind any particular trait?

As I turn around, my back to this very mirror and slide to the ground, in a moment of blinding insight, I realize that so have many others probably. There are others also who, like me, are wondering if there is gonna be someone like them or whom they can befriend sooner rather than later. And with this epiphany, I let out an unconsciously held breath of anxiety. It is going to be okay. I’m going to be okay, we are all gonna be okay. Because we are all going to find some face almost similarly nervous or excited as ours, and we’re gonna be surrounded by likeminded people who might bring us to the large expanse of varied opinions and views which might differ greatly from ours, but we will have to learn to accept those. There will be those who will try not to align themselves with many others, there will be those who’ll be the “it” crowd and then there will be you and me, trying to strike up the Sherlock within us and skim through all those differences we see and find our way to the small but definite space that awaits us to make a lasting impression in the heads of all those we come across. But the bottom-line is- whichever category we belong to, we all need acceptance and hopefully shall get.

I’m sure I’ll find someone who laughs if not at my joke, then at my inability to crack one, who’ll have a nervous breakdown with me when the exams are overhead, glaring with their ugly heads, who’ll scream with me on seeing ice cream jelly, who’ll have silent conversations with me in times of Code Red and who’ll hold me when I wail like a banshee. And worry not, despite having no breakthrough record of card reading or Cassandra’s foresight; I know that you will too. And with this new found happiness mantra finally penned down, giving some solid (literally) grounds to myself assurance, I look up to the little  portion of the vast sky visible to me and send a lopsided wink to God. After all, he is gonna be there to give base to my conveniently ploughed assumption that I’m making it in this year. And before I turn back to the interesting mystery novel that awaits my royal attention, I sit up and close my eye.

Whether I go to NLU or back for another year of preparations, I need to remind myself “god does for good”.  Because no matter how hard you see, the grass is always greener on the other side.

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Virali Nagda is a law school aspirant from Mumbai. Having taken the CLAT this year, she has indulged in her favorite hobbies for the time span of a makeshift vacation – which are hogging on every good food item she can lay her hands on and every single book she can grab, steal, and grab some more. That aside, she spends and hour or two everyday playing badminton, swimming, or just cycling (just so her folks stop nagging me about my gained flab) and spends the remainder of the time meeting up with her long lost and close friends. She believes in living for the moment, and indulging in all reckless activities that come her way, just for accompanying adrenaline rush. She thrives on humor, self induced or otherwise. She loves talking and hearing people talk. Talking to people from different cultures and making a fool of herself while trying to speak their language makes her day. Craziness becomes her.