How to be Sharma ji’s son

This article has been submitted by Anushka Sinha for the CLATGyan Blog Post Writing Competition. If you think it’s a good read, ‘Like’ the article on Facebook (the button is at the bottom of this piece) or post a comment using the ‘Comments’ section below.

Disclaimer – The author does not, in any way, encourage drinking or smoking.

If you are reading this, you are probably in that phase of your life which is marked by petty drama, hormonal imbalances and worst of all, occasional phases where you feel like nobody understands you. Not your friends (although they’re BFFs, and definitely in the bottom tier of the ‘people who just don’t get it’ list.), not your siblings (they’re tolerable and occupy the medium tier of the aforementioned list.), and definitely not your parents (the people at the very top of the list, and the main reason you are reading this article.)

Being a teenager is difficult in itself; however, being an Indian teenager is worse. No matter what you do, some random person from your family or neighbourhood has already done it, and has done a better job as well. You’ve never met this person, but you’ve heard so much about them that you could write an article on them (Oh, wait.) He’s the son of a certain Sharma ji, who you are very desirous of meeting and giving a whack on their head for producing such an annoyingly perfect child. If you could have a dollar for every time you heard “Sharma ji ke bete ko dekho…” you’d be swimming in dollars. Sharma ji’s son has it all. And therefore, today, I’ve decided to reveal his secret. Here are the steps to achieving that pados-wali-aunty-smirk-inducing perfection.

Step I – Mera beta engineer/doctor banega

This is the first and most important step, which cannot be ignored. By wanting to become an engineer or doctor, you prove to the world that you are not willing to take risks because engineering/medical mein bada scope hai. For that you have to take up Science, which means you are already halfway there. Separate yourself from the Commerce and Arts students, they are good-for-nothing brats who are wasting their parents’ money.

Step II – Social media will ruin your life 

Facebook, WhatsApp and Twitter are like the concepts you will study in Physics, you know them, you understand them but never in your life will you use them. Social media can only destroy you, so all you need to do is to create your account and then never use it. You don’t even need to change your WhatsApp status, ‘Hey there! I am using WhatsApp.’ will tell people that you don’t have time for trivialities and are actually ‘Pulling all-nighters for JEE/AIIMS’. The only time social media is allowed is when you have to update ‘AIR 1, dreams do come true if you work hard enough!!!!!’

Step III – Relationship? Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Much like his best friends from the periodic table the ‘Noble Gases’, Sharma ji’s son doesn’t believe in bonds. Buried among R D Sharma and S Chand (Bros before hoes, right?), his attitude towards girls is pretty much the same as scientists’ attitude towards Martians: they are an alien species. The only woman he trusts is good ol’ Maa. His motto for life is ‘Behind every successful man is a proud Mrs. Sharma ji with a spoon of chyawanprash and a bowl of almonds.”

Step IV – No social life because log kya kahenge

Have you ever actually seen this guy? I bet you haven’t. That is because he doesn’t come out of the house. All he does is stay within the confines of his room and kick Calculus’ ass. Shama ji’s son would rather be dead than caught having fun (The horror!) He doesn’t drink, smoke or party, which makes all the aunties sob with pride at parties while they try to make sure he marries their daughter ten years later when he has a fat package.

Step V – Don’t be a broken anda

Life is a race, if you don’t run fast you’ll be a broken anda. For Sharma ji’s son, truer words have never been spoken. How does he get all the uncles and aunties to admire him and his NCERT given perfection? Simply put, he’s the best. Just like him, you should be an achiever as well and leave behind all the broken andas to rot in their yolks while you enjoy being scrambled or poached in the glory of your 99% in Boards or IIT/AIIMS tag.

Step VI – Mission accomplished

Good news, this is the last step. You’ve almost become Sharma ji’s son. The only thing you need is for your neighbours/relatives to notice how wonderful you are and they will most definitely mention you to their own children the next time they screw up. “Sharma ji ke bete ko dekho…”