Still Looking For Sheer Happiness!

I am at a very vacillating juncture in my life where utopia and reality are at loggerheads with each other, it has been 19 years since the time I descended on this planet and when I think about all these years retrospectively, I wonder what is that one thing that I have done or one decision that I have taken which should make me proud, that should give me that sense of achievement and provide that blissful feeling. I delved into all those occurrences or times that I think made me happy, whether it was reciting my 1^st nursery rhyme in school or it was scoring well in boards or it was losing weight and making heads turn or it was winning my 1^st quiz or it was getting into a law school. I am sure like any other person there would be countless happy moments in my life also. But that’s is not the point, the greater question is has it really given me that innate sense of pleasure, I might be a bit scandalizing at this moment but my answer is a sad NO. All those times that have given me happiness or at least that momentary one were nothing but an apparent sense of satisfaction which was usually triggered by some external force. I chose commerce over sciences or humanities not because I loved commerce but because I dint want to make my life like those who studied away endlessly to oblivion. So was taking commerce an escape route, maybe yes because I never had the passion to do it. So when I won my 1^st quiz in 8^th grade, was I happy? Maybe no, because that sense of joy was only due to beating the opponent and the fact that I will be applauded for my laurels. I scored reasonably well in my boards, my parents were happy and watching them I was, but was there any sense of being successful? NO. Some might say that watching parents happy, one should get that sense of making them proud, but I did not get any and that’s me. Does reading about different happenings across the world give me that sense of contentment so to say, NO because that is something of a routine I do and sometimes I continue it just not to lag behind in this rat race.

So that means that I am so pessimistic and insensitive that nothing that I do can make me happy or I am such an ass who provides frivolous reasons as to why I am not “happy” to make myself sound different, well call me what you want, I have grown up in such a way that I have learnt to just move with the flow, I have never stopped and thought about my life and what I want to do or what I think will satisfy me till now. I always ventured into different spheres without giving a second thought to it. Maybe my interpretation of that sense of joy is skewed and that my happiness is dependent on people who are close to me of people who matter a lot to me, of course it does, and maybe there were situations when I was really happy, but what I am talking about here is my “achievements” making me happy or not. There is a difference which I have clearly demarcated.

Now during these vacations I have thought about what things will make me happy and I am still trying to figure out. I feel that everyone at certain stage of their lives should give deep thought to this because in the twilight of the day you should not regret of not doing things or taking decisions which would have given you that ecstasy.

Anonymous NALSARite.